I largely wrote this 10 years ago, but it's never been more relevant than today...I write sadly as I watch my 14-year-old daughter's spirit crushed by gender stereotyped social mores, and toxic masculinity. In today’s society, the conversations we have about women’s roles, behaviors, and expectations still largely reflect outdated and harmful views. These views not only stigmatize women for their choices but also perpetuate a culture of shame and violence. As a person who believes in social justice for women, I feel compelled to challenge these beliefs, especially when I hear prejudiced opinions in front of impressionable minds. I know that I cannot change someone’s deeply rooted beliefs, but I firmly believe that sharing my own can help challenge the traditional gender stereotypes that have long dictated what it means to be a woman.
One of the most damaging and prevalent attitudes in our society is the belief that a woman's worth is tied to her sexual purity. If you doubt this do a weekend binge of One Tree Hill (which I have been watching with my 8-year-old son, judge me if you must, but he gets it so I assure you we have built gender reflexivity into this evening activity) or any teenage drama made before 2024 (don't worry, I know what year it is). This ideology is rooted in a culture of control, where women are often judged by their sexual behavior, and those who deviate from these rigid standards are subjected to stigmatization. Jessica Valenti, in her book The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women (2009), addressed this issue with great clarity, stating: “It's time to teach our daughters that their ability to be good people depends on their being good people, not on whether or not they're sexually active” (Valenti, 2009). This powerful quote speaks to the heart of the issue – the need to detach a woman’s morality and self-worth from her sexual behavior. Unfortunately, this is a lesson that is often not taught, leading to internalized shame and societal judgment.
As a parent who has largely identified as a woman for most of my life, I recognize the importance of teaching my children—particularly my daughter—about the value of self-respect and self-worth that is not defined by others' perceptions or outdated gender norms. I believe it is crucial to instill in them the understanding that their choices should be based on their values, not on societal expectations of what a “good” woman should be. And yet, the reality is that many young women today are still learning to feel ashamed of decisions that differ from these traditional, violent, and often patriarchal notions of what it means to be a woman. These judgments can be subtle, disguised as “concern” or “advice,” but their impact is deeply harmful.
The term “slut,” for example, is frequently used to describe a woman whose sexual behavior is perceived as deviating from these traditional standards. To use such a term is not only an insult to the individual woman but a reflection of a culture that condemns women for their sexuality. The word is often weaponized to shame women into conforming to a narrow and oppressive idea of femininity. And, even worse, women who do not conform to these expectations often internalize this judgment, perpetuating a cycle of self-shame and self-policing.
Let's stop this BS, and start to work toward a society where women are not shamed for their sexual behavior, where they are not reduced to labels like “slut” or “whore,” but where they are instead respected for their autonomy and personal choices. This is part of a larger fight for gender equality and a shift toward recognizing women as full human beings, whose worth is based on who they are as people, not on how they behave in relation to outdated expectations of sexual purity.
For me, this is not just a theoretical issue. It is something that I confront daily, both in the world around me and in my own home. As a person who has birthed 4 children (vaginally if you must know, 50 % of them at home) believes in social justice, I will always speak out against these harmful ideas, whether I’m in a conversation with a friend, a colleague, or even a stranger. I understand that I may not be able to change others' beliefs, but I can certainly share my own. By doing so, I hope to challenge the culture of shame that continues to surround women and their sexuality. I am also committed to helping others—especially the younger generation—develop critical thinking skills, challenge traditional stereotypes, and foster a culture of respect and understanding.
I have witnessed firsthand (meaning I have lived this firsthand) the devastating effects that this culture of shame can have on women, especially young women. The societal pressure to conform to unrealistic standards of purity can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression. The shame attached to their sexual decisions can cause lifelong harm, influencing their self-esteem and their relationships with others. This is why it is so important for us, as parents, educators, and mentors, to create environments where women can feel safe, valued, and empowered, regardless of their sexual choices.
Let's be clear, I understand that the issue extends beyond individual beliefs—it is institutionalized in our societal norms and reinforced by the media, schools, and even health care systems (yes, I realize that I am working within a system that in many ways perpetuates the problem). These structures perpetuate harmful stereotypes and ideals that confine women to narrow roles and punish those who step outside of them. As a society, we must actively work to dismantle these structures and create a world where women can live freely and without fear of judgment.
As an aside, I have been reflecting on my own work as a nurse and the role I play in advocating for the mental health and well-being of others. Returning to the broader issue at hand, I believe it is essential for women to feel empowered to challenge the stereotypes that have held them back for centuries. We must teach our children (not just the ones that we biologically birth, I'm using the royal we here and the communities in which we raise children in) to value themselves for who they are and not for how closely they adhere to narrow and outdated ideals of what it means to be a woman. This is how we can create a society that fosters gender equality, social justice, and, ultimately, a culture of respect and kindness.
As I continue to do the work I do, I remain committed to this cause. I will always challenge the damaging narratives that aim to keep women small, ashamed, and silent. And, I will continue to speak up for a future where women are free to make their own choices, free from fear, judgment, and shame.
Reference
Valenti, J. (2009). The purity myth: How America's obsession with virginity is hurting young women. Seal Press: Berkeley.
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